The Bachelor is back, y’all. 

...and the drama is back as well. Three hours. I cannot. Can we just all agree that there should be NO windmill reference this season? And what is the first thing that appears on the show? You guessed it. 

Of course, Peter’s B-roll is him walking through an airport. The only thing I kept thinking was … where’s the person that is aggressively “fast-walking” past him? At least that’s who I am at the airport. 

Anyway, the show is introduced by Peter speaking Spanish with his parents and unpopular opinion alert—that’s actually too adorable and cute. I happen to think that Peter is sexy and attractive, and even though I think Mike should have gotten the Bachelor, I’m still so into Peter and his season. 

That being said, let’s meet the women who’s vying for Peter’s heart. 

Bring on the Limo Entrances!

I’m not going to break down every limo entrance—that’s too much and you can read all of the descriptions on my blog. What I will do is pick out the highlights and lowlights, and something new—superlatives! Most likely to be the villain, most likely to cry four times in one night, the craziest, the one who’s most likely to win, the one who’s most likely to sell tea on IG…

Superlatives: 

Most Likely to Sell Tea on IG: 

• Hannah Ann

• Madison

The “Craziest” (and I use this term loosely)

• Courtney 

The One Who’s Most Likely To Win: 

• Sarah 

• Kelley, the attorney  

Most Likely To Be The Villain: 

• Kelley

• Hannah Ann 

The Demi: 

• Victoria P., the actual Demi look-alike

• Mykenna 

Best Entrance: 

• Kiarra, the baggage lady  

• Lexi, red car/red hair 

• Lauren, with the jumpsuit and the ponytail 

Worst Entrance: 

• Deandra, round 5/windmill

The Sweethearts: 

• Alayah—I mean, c’mon. The first one out of the limo and her grandmother wrote Peter a letter? “Dear Bachelor,” is what had me rolling off my couch laughing 

Cocktail Party 

Honestly, this episode was boring. The first cry of the night: Victoria F. Hannah Ann and Shiann—the first drama “implosion.” It wasn’t really an implosion, since they “talked it out” or whatever. Mykenna seems like she’s shooting her shot, but Natasha comes in with an ever bigger plane than the one Mykenna threw just two minutes before. And then, there are multiple different girls stealing Peter away. Like, I get shooting your shot but why can’t we all support each other and let each other have the two minutes with our supposed future husband?! 

First impression rose: Hannah Ann. Shocker. Groundbreaking. I literally have no comment. 

Rose Ceremony:  

• Victoria P. 

• Madison 

• Kelley 

• Lexi 

• Savannah 

• Lauren 

• Tammy 

• Alayah 

• Jasmine 

• Sydney 

• Natasha 

• Mykenna 

• Deandra 

• Sarah 

• Alexa 

• Kelsey 

• Payton 

• Kiarra 

• Courtney 

• Shiann 

• Victoria F.

First Group Date 

Members: Hannah Ann, Kelley, Deandra, Tammy, Courtney, Shiann, Victoria P., Jasmine, and Victoria F.

Surprise! It is a date in an airplane hangar. The Bachelor producers just HAD to do that, of course. And then an obstacle course. They’re just very anxious to create the next villain. Who’s it gonna be?!  

But if we’re being honest—I sort of missed that first date. They were in an airplane hangar. Victoria had a childhood trauma. Kelley won the obstacle course. But honestly, even though she won the obstacle course, it’s still the trauma girl that will win the group date rose. (Kelley still did.) Shiann has zero chemistry. The other girls feel left out. Kelley makes out with Peter in the same hotel she supposedly ran into Peter? Kelley seems nice, but she also seems like the type of girl that judges other girls—and she does. Something about her just tells me that she’s not on the show for the “right reasons.” But she ended up getting the group date rose, and Peter honestly looks smitten. (Until a certain Hannah B. shows up, of course.) 

First One-on-One Date 

Madison got the first date of the season. It’s a vow renewal. Not just anyone’s—but Peter’s parents...and OH. MY. GOD. This is literally the cutest date I have ever seen. I don’t care who is on this date, all I care about is that Peter’s brother is walking his mom down the aisle. Peter did look happy, and that’s what is great about it. Date Rating: 3/5

Group Date: 

Members: Lauren, Sydney, Payton, Natasha, Alexa, Kelsey, Mykenna, Alayah, Savannah 

The return of Hannah Brown, queen, an icon, a legend. She showed up (or appeared is more like it) and shared the story of the windmill (how many times?). She finally gave more clarification on that night, but excuse me Han, you didn’t give enough. I need details … like what was the time span like? How long? 

The date was awkward, all the girls felt awkward, Peter felt awkward and was sweating faster than mascara running down Hannah’s cheeks (her makeup artist really did her dirty). 

Wrap-Up and Favorite Tweets of the Night 

This three hour premiere was tiring. Three dates...more like two and a half. And it’s not even the end of that third date! Next week we’ll see the end of Hannah and Peter’s conversation. Will Peter ask Hannah to be on the show? Will Hannah accept? Frankly, I don’t think that will happen—considering Hannah was on DWTS (and crushing it, I might add) while the show was filming. Maybe, just maybe, Hannah and Peter will reunite after the season wraps and all the aspiring social media influencers are settling into their new Paradise gigs. (Lol.) Jokes aside, either way, this season is going to be a doozy. I can’t wait for this season to kick off—I hope this season takes off soon!